brianne patrice’s motherhood journey shows why we should un-romanticize maternity— kristen jeré
transparency on the challenges of motherhood, especially for Black mothers, should be essential in reproductive justice conversations
In September of 2013, Brianne Patrice’s then two year old daughter began experiencing chronic health issues that altered Patrice’s life not only as a mother, but as a young woman coming into adulthood. “I just got my first apartment by myself and just bought me a car. I felt like I was figuring my independence out.” Going to multiple doctors appointments a week across in Alabama became the norm for Patrice as she tried to balance a full-time job at the Blue Cross Blue Shield while caring for her daughter as a solo parent. “I took her [my daughter] to the emergency room a number of times, and I kept being told that it was just a respiratory infection, but I knew it was more than that because her eyes were swollen shut and she was just swollen everywhere.”
Patrice had to navigate doctors that downplayed her daughter's symptoms and multiple incorrect diagnoses before her daughter got diagnosed with nephrotic syndrome, a chronic kidney disorder where too much protein passes through the urine. Patrice’s journey into motherhood was turning out to be not at all like what she had imagined, “I had all these visions and dreams about what it would feel like being a mom: making lunches, going to PTA meetings, signing field trip forms, being a chaperone– all of that. But you don’t really think about what could be on the other side of that.”
According to the Center of Disease and Control (CDC) in a study done in 2015, 27% of kids in the U.S. have at least one chronic illness. With debates on how accurate those numbers are, and if it could be possible that the percentage is higher, it’s misguided that mainstream conversations about childhood chronic illness are often absent. Instead motherhood is often discussed in an idyllic sense.
A large part of the rose-colored world view of motherhood, Patrice believes, is due to the prevailing narrative around mothering. “Motherhood is often talked about like it's the best thing you could ever possibly do with your life [as a woman]. And more often than not, when we as Black women, specifically, enter into parenthood…we realize that those stories or those experiences that we were led to believe about parenthood are often fairytales not reflective of our actual [Black] parenting experiences,” said Patrice.
As Patrice’s daughter’s chronic illness began to progress, so did concerns from her other family members. “At the time, I'm a young 20-something year old, I'm trying to figure this out, and I have my mom telling me not to trust my daughter’s paternal grandparents.” But Patrice wanted to believe that “in times like this family would come together, not cause harm to one another”. In addition, Patrice was in a long training process at her job with a very strict policy on how much time employees are able to miss, regardless of the reason. “I have another person in my ear. I'm trying not to piss anybody off,” said Patrice. At one particular appointment, when Patrice was not able to go, she instead sent her daughter’s father along with her daughter’s step-grandmother.
At that appointment, Patrice’s daughter’s step-grandmother made comments to the doctor about how Patrice was “just getting her life together” because she [the step-grandmother] believed that Patrice continuing her education and choosing to work, even prior to her daughter’s illness, made her a “negligent parent”. The grandmother believed that Patrice was putting work and school before her daughter and questioned how she would care for her daughter now that she was chronically ill. Following the appointment, “He [the doctor] called me and was like, ‘If you don't come to my office by 5pm [today] I'm gonna call Child Protective Services [CPS], because I don't think you’re taking her [the daughter’s] illness seriously.’”
“When I got there, he let me know that he went ahead and called CPS once we hung up the phone.” The case does get dismissed, though Patrice did have her first experience with CPS when they mandated a home visit as part of following up with the initial complaint that the doctor filed.
By October/November of that same year, Patrice’s daughter’s illness progressed as she was admitted to the hospital with renal failure and began being treated with dialysis. “All of this is happening within the span of a month,” said Patrice. Patrice’s mother came to Alabama to help out, where she and her daughter served as her granddaughter's primary care support system. “My mom came to the hospital while I was at work, and then I would be at the hospital during the nighttime and we would just switch over. We did that for like four months,” said Patrice. In early 2014, doctors at the hospital gave Patrice the news that the treatment wasn’t working, “They [the doctors] were saying that she would die, because they had done everything that they could do in Alabama. Her case was so bad, and all of the normal things that they used to treat nephrotic syndrome were not working for her, and they didn't know what else to do,” said Patrice.
One of the hospitals that the doctors suggest happens to be located in Delaware about 2 hours from where Patrice’s daughter’s step-grandmother lives with her husband [the paternal grandfather]. Patrice, who can’t travel at the time due to work training, reluctantly decides that her daughter should go stay with her step-grandmother for the time being and utilize the better hospital resources in Delaware. “I'm just trying to make the best possible decision for my child, because, again, she's going to die,” said Patrice. “I’m trying to think logically, the CPS case is sitting in the back of my mind because that was uncalled for, but also I’m not thinking as logically as I could’ve been or should’ve been because, again, I don’t want my daughter to die. So I sent her to the hospital the doctor recommended.”
Patrice’s daughter stays with her step-grandmother and [paternal] grandfather for about 7 months while her condition stabilizes. Patrice calls upon her daughter’s medical care team to question whether or not it was medically safe to have her daughter return to Alabama as they awaited a kidney match. The doctor Patrice spoke with said that “we don’t see why that can’t happen, let’s put a plan in place”. And any accommodations needing to be made once a kidney had been found, Patrice was more than willing to abide by.
“Next thing I know…I am getting a phone call from the Maryland court system, telling me that her grandparents went to file an emergency order, claiming that I had lost my rights in Alabama, based on the CPS case that the grandmother “allegedly” persuaded the doctor to open up in the first place,” said Patrice. The situation progresses fast, and Patrice is overwhelmed, “I did not have time to find an attorney. I did not have a full understanding of what my rights were. And the grandmother is in there telling them all of these things–that are easily provable, by the way… like you can easily prove that what she is saying is not true.” “But nobody bothered to fact check— usually there is paperwork involved to show a termination of rights and none was provided and til this has not and cannot be provided because it never happened,” notes Patrice. At one point even the child’s father mentioned in a later court hearing that Patrice never lost her rights in the State of Alabama, but none of that mattered. A temporary custody order was established and unbeknownst to Patrice the real horror was just beginning.
Patrice has been battling constantly with the CPS court order since then and the power that it has granted her daughter’s step-grandmother. “There was like a year, maybe two years where they [the step-grandmother and family] did not allow me to see or talk to my child, even though there was a clear court order that said that I could still have access to her and her medical records, etc. I got death threats; I got so many harassing text messages from these people,” she said. “And I wasn’t just sad for me,” says Patrice, “I was also sad for my mother, my sisters, niece and nephew who were all abruptly cut out of my child’s life for years as a result of the [paternal] grandparents doing”.
Patrice did try to go to court to challenge the seclusion from her daughter’s life that she was experiencing. Part of what she believes made it so difficult for her to get justice in her situation was due to ageism. “No matter how many times I went back to court, the judges never budged. And I believe a lot of that had to do with how young I was at the time. I was like 25/26, maybe 27,” she said. And her grandfather is a retired Naval officer and [at the time] was working for the government, “they have way more resources than I do but even in that fact, that still does not make me a negligent parent,” Patrice said.
These attitudes are far from uncommon. A study done in 2020 by Women’s Breast Feeding Journal included research that found that the stigmas around young mothers can often skew how they are viewed by society which tends to lean towards negative connotations of young mothers as irresponsible, “bad” mothers. These stereotypes can lead to increased discrimination and sometimes, surveillance of young moms. “I'm fresh out of college. Of course, I don't have a lot of money. Of course, I know all of this is expensive. I know the financial burden of this, but this is also still my daughter,” said Patrice explaining more of the assumptions that were made about her ability to be a good mom.
Patrice also believes that race played a huge role in the outcome of her court case, “My child’s step-grandmother is a fair-skinned person of color who can often be seen as white passing,” said Patrice. CPS is one government entity that most people with kids in the U.S. are familiar with, but there is evidence that CPS is often more a part of the lives of Black families than families of other demographics.
In 2023, a Black couple from Dallas, Texas went viral when they had their baby taken away by CPS after being reported by a doctor. The case was dismissed after it was found that the baby was never in any danger, but all parents aren’t as lucky. A study done in 2023 by Liberty Street Economics reported that the majority of Black families (53 percent) experience investigation by CPS before the age of 18 compared to 28 percent of white families. At least some of these families that are investigated end up having their kids put into foster care.
“I didn't realize how even some of my friends had gone through something similar [with CPS], not as deeply traumatic as mine, but like, they still have had to face CPS in some way whether it was because of somebody not liking them, or a partner wanting to get back at them. The weaponizing of CPS is a very real thing.” Patrice also argues that it shouldn’t be as easy as it is to report someone’s family to CPS, “There has to be a better way to deciding between who deserves protection from abuse or pedophilia or clear signs of negligence versus parents who love their kids and have the desire to provide for them but just simply lack the proper resource,” said Patrice. “Instead everyone gets categorized as “negligent” with the punishment being having your children taken away”.
Some of what Patrice is battling against is what she actually sees to be negligent behavior towards her daughter from her daughter’s family in Maryland, and an unfair share of labor being expected of her. “The grandparents have done all of this to “keep” my child from me, while at the same time depending on me to [fully] parent her as if I’m still her legal guardian and they are not. They fought me tooth and nail to be her guardian, while saying things to me like “we put more on you because you are her mom” versus the expectation they have of the father, their own son.” Patrice recalls a time that her daughter was admitted inpatient and the grandfather, who is now retired, called to say that she needed to come stay at the hospital with her because “the grandmother had to work”. “And I find all of this to be ironically funny,” says Patrice, “considering that me working was one of the reasons you believed me to be unfit to parent”.
“I have all of these expectations on me,” states Patrice “while still being labeled as a negligent parent.”
“Whenever she’s in a hospital, whenever she has an inpatient stay, or if she needs more for her schooling–she's supposed to be in homeschool, but she's not being homeschooled in a way that she should be–all of that they want me to do it, but like under their supervision. They don't necessarily want her to come back and be in my house,” said Patrice. “Even something as simple as switching up her diet, which her doctor has recommended for years, there is this expectation that I am supposed to implement those changes as if she doesn’t live with them? As if they don’t control her meals?”
Patrice continued describing her continuous battle with the court system, “It didn't matter what I said, or what could have been disproved. It's just that [the judge] has this young black face in front of him and this white passing lady in front of him. And they would rather listen to her instead of actually listening to the mother of the child. And now here we are, like 10 years later, still under the same court order,” she said. Patrice also noted that during a hearing the judge actually referred to the step-grandmother as a liar and threatened her with jail for her antics but even then the court order did not change.
For Patrice, the last 10 years have largely been about reclaiming her power. “I had to show them [my daughter’s family in Maryland] that I was not playing with them. So I uprooted my life [from Alabama], to come to the East Coast to be closer to my daughter, and to let them know that ‘You can not get rid of me. Regardless of if the court overturns the order or not, you will not get rid of me. That is my child, I love her very much,’” she said. “It has been so hard for me to really rebuild myself, I'm still rebuilding myself like, to this day, I’m required to pay child support–all of that,” said Patrice who has benefited from having some supportive family around through her mother, sisters and her dad’s side of the family, “Me and my father’s child are also cool. We’ll talk to check-in about our daughter, emotions were high in the very beginning because as all of this started we had also just ended our engagement but now we’re more levelhead in our communication with one another” said Patrice.
Ultimately Patrice wants people to know that there can be duality in the motherhood experience and that it shouldn’t define whether someone is considered a “good” mom or not. “There are days where I might like my child and there are days when they might get on my nerves, doesn’t mean we love them any less. There was a woman on Twitter not too long ago saying that she loves her child, but she hates motherhood. Nobody can relate to that more than I can. I love my child dearly, but motherhood has been very traumatic,” said Patrice.
Patrice has been working as an advocate for women’s rights since 2014. Starting with educating women about all things sexual health, she’s moved into various avenues in the editorial, creative, educational and non-profit spaces surrounding womanhood, Blackness and healing over the past decade. She is founder of Twenty Nine Thirty and the Black healing collective, a non-profit serving as a larger ecosystem centering Black well-being. Her goal, through her initiative The Coven, is to support Black women and femmes who are single or undersupported moms, sexual assault survivors and/or domestic violence victims through rent assistance and therapy. Her personal story of motherhood is what initially inspired her, “What really got me into this work was my experience as a mom.” She hopes to inspire change both inside and outside of the system, “children absolutely deserve protection but parents do too.”
BY KRISTEN JERÉ
(she/her)
kristen is a budding herbalist, doula, and a writer on identity, culture and Black womanhood. in her freetime, you can catch her watching something animated while reading one of the many books on her lists.