celibacy was a radical destination in my healing journey— but far from the last stop — kristen jeré
“i had been associating a huge chunk of my self-worth with how well i performed in the bedroom since i was a teenager and continued to do so even when i was celibate.
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*TW: rape, sexual assault
*=name has been changed
celibacy called to me like a quiet dawn. a couple of years before i would officially decide to take a break from intercourse, the idea came to my mind intuitively where it continued to rise until it was a full yellow sun arriving in my early adulthood. i was 21 and all ideas and nervous tension. during the first semester in my last year of undergrad, romance wasn’t a priority, but my healing definitely was. as a survivor of multiple rapes and sexual assaults, all of which occurred from men that i was dating/having consensual sex with, i had begun thinking critically about what it looked like to move past this trauma.
celibacy was my healing modality for the way that i would give my womb a break from inviting other people’s energy in; while also grounding in my expectations for my next romantic and sexual partner. i was full on ideas of self-love and boundaries as i journeyed into my healing path hoping that the trauma that i had suffered in the past moved further away from the woman that i was becoming in my present.
i was 6 months into my celibacy when i matched with a cutie on tinder that i wanted to experience intimacy with, and i began thinking about what that would look like while staying committed to my celibacy. as a straight woman who enjoys penetration, i consider insertion to be included in my personal definition of sex. having other types of physical intimacy with a partner is something i deeply craved, and at the moment of his first message to me, i knew i had sown the seed for a new relationship.
being celibate doesn’t mean that you can’t be date-raped, and i learned that early on while seeing elijah*. it wasn’t that i thought i couldn’t be date-raped again, it was more so more the hope that without penetration as part of my sex life, there would be less risk of being triggered while i was still trying to heal. as i mentioned before, all of my rapes had occurred in consensual relationships. i began to think that if i could set enough boundaries, rape wouldn’t happen to me, a common coping method for survivors who still deal with self victim blaming. as i navigated being friends with benefits with elijah (while desperately wanting to be more--a story for another time) i began experiencing a lot of similarities in our no-penetration sex life as i had with other partners.
being celibate while still being romantic and intimate with a person who wasn’t celibate, was difficult. coercion is a type of sexual trauma that i had experienced before, and with elijah there were countless moments where his desire and verbal affirmation of how much he wanted to have sex with me felt close to being talked into sex, or cohersed. there were also times during physical intimacy where we moved closer towards penetration without necessarily going all the way, but coming close to it. during these times, elijah would be initiating penetration while knowing that penetrative sex is something that i had committed myself to refraining from and, therefore, didn’t consent to.
all of these experiences were further illuminated by my intense desire to please my partner at all cost. i had been associating a huge chunk of my self-worth with how well i performed in the bedroom since i was a teenager and continued to do so even when i was celibate. to compensate for what i felt was a lack of something that i wasn’t giving elijah, i began making indecisive choices on what i would and wouldn’t do in the bedroom which i frequently changed my mind on.
a “touch and go” cycle began where i would perform certain acts in the bedroom, immediately regret it, and then would commit myself to having no physical intimacy with elijah whatsoever, only to fold (a combination elijah’s coercion and my wanting to please him) and eventually have foreplay-like intimacy with him again. elijah and i went through this cycle multiple times until we eventually did have sex--a decision i made 5 months into us dating and didn’t regret based on what felt like a loving relationship that i had formed with him. our first time having sex was a wonderful experience for me at the time, but one that didn’t erase what was still largely coercive behavior.
as i’ve reflected on the time that i spent with elijah, i’ve realized that even while celibate, i’d still been experiencing triggers and sexual trauma. and it was a hybrid space for me in the way that i also birthed a lot of ideas on what healing means for my spirit and body, and the type of commitment to my healing that i would like to experience with a future partner. still it was a flawed pathway to sexual liberation, since a lot of my desires for my future relationship came from being deeply dissatisfied and triggered by elijah.
still, while dating elijah i had experienced a lot of joyful “firsts”. through the intimacy we created, i felt comfortable enough to have conversations about my past history and the traumas that i have experienced in being able to inform my partner of what my needs were in the bedroom, and elijah was the first partner i ever did this with. sitting on his black leather couch with my legs crossed and my dr. seus themed moleskine journal lying open on my lap, with notes of what i wanted to say, i had a conversation with elijah about the first person who raped me, a boy i had dated in high school, and how that’s informed my bodies’ triggers today.
and when i eventually was triggered during sex from past memories of assaults, elijah held me against his chest while i cried, showered me with lavender body wash, and asked what tools i was using to heal from my past assaults. that was a moment of renewal in the history of my body and one of the first times i had been treated with so much tenderness and care from a sex partner.
by the time i started having sex again, i had been celibate for a year, and i know that the growth that i’ve experienced up until now is in part because of that time in my healing journey.
3 years later, i’m glad that i’ve been able to experience romantic relationships where i can be vulnerable and heal with partners. it’s not perfect, and after experiencing something as deeply traumatic and personal as rape, i realize that it’s never going to be. but i think my willingness to be open and accepting about my past attracts receptive lovers to me who are kind and gentle. when i do come into contact with folks who aren’t, i look for red flags and other signs that i should leave. and for the most part, i do.
i still get triggered during sex, and one of my current sex partners holds me when i do. he kisses me on my forehead and looks me in my eyes and asks what’s wrong again and again until i answer and listens to me when i do along with changing behavior when necessary. he offers his shoulder to cry on when i don’t.
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BY KRISTEN JERÉ
(SHE/HER)
social:
@blackfeministnobody
kristen jeré is a multi-disciplinary writer based in chicago. she has worked in local newsrooms and artistic/social justice non-profit spaces across the city. her interests revolve around womb healing, reproductive justice for biopic folks, and Black feminist theory. to manifest her passions, kristen is currently working towards a career as a sexuality writer and doula with a focus in herbalism.