unraveling the thread of generational wounds — faith
when you think about the vessel that carries you through this lifetime, what are the thoughts that form around it?
“living within this vessel means picking up that unraveled fabric and sewing myself back up as many times as i need to.”
i can’t reflect on the vessel that carries me through this lifetime without speaking about the vessel that once held me. or the vessel that held her. i exist because they exist. at one point in time, i lived within my mother. she carried me. she was my home. i was an extension of her. i formed inside of her. even after birth, i still saw myself as an extension of her. my mother was not a happy mother nor was her mother. there is a theory that women can hold trauma, unresolved emotions, and pain within the womb.
i was born tainted although she did not intend for me to be born that way. that feeling was internalized. i began to view myself through the same lens that my mother viewed herself. i heard the words that she spoke to herself. i witnessed the way that she treated herself and the way that she treated her mother. i heard the stories of how her mother treated her. there’s something so unique about the way human behaviors can spill into the intricate fabric of our lives. how easy it is to see a pattern. how my mother’s inward behavior weaved its way outward. how it threaded into me. how it was the only pattern i knew. living within this vessel means carefully unraveling the thread inside of me and looking at the story that it tells. the more questions i ask, the more i sit with the stories, the more i touch the thread, the more the colors change.
the hues become more vibrant. the thread is still heavy while simultaneously becoming lighter. living within this vessel means picking up that unraveled fabric and sewing myself back up as many times as i need to. it means that i exist within a million possibilities, and that i can live in the possibility of my choosing. it means that i am not doomed to be the person that my mother chose to be. it means constant relearning and rewiring. it means reevaluating what it means to be an extension of the women who came before me. it means that i am connected but autonomous. autonomous but guided. guided, but i choose what to be guided by.
i often think about how forgiveness is a life long act. it is not an “one and done” instance. i must have forgiveness at the core of my being. i am made up of all versions of myself. i am still my inner child. i am still my mother’s child. there is so much that my body remembers, so much that my body carries. when i am reminded of the pain, i remind myself of the forgiveness that exists within me, and how forgiveness must carry me.
i have been blessed to be one of the chosen ones: a Black woman. most thoughts around this vessel have had to be rewired because i dared to be Black, but i didn’t stop there; i dared to be Black and Woman. where some people could stand for the feelings projected onto them by others to be claimed as thoughts, opinions, and up to the debate of outsiders, i could not. i could not think of myself as beautiful. i had to know that i was beautiful. i could not think that i was worthy of a peaceful life. i had to know that i was worthy of a peaceful life. the world gave me the lens that they expected me to view myself in while constantly giving me new lenses, each one as ill-fitting as the last. the bar is always moving. to them, i’ll never be enough. that’s why i must choose the lenses that i view myself in rather than allow them to be chosen for me.
there are affirmations that i tell myself every morning. it’s my way of reprogramming my mind; of being more intentional about what is poured into me. i have to be mindful of the cups that are given to me and the cups that i give myself. when i speak to myself and when i speak about myself, i am not only speaking to present day me. i am speaking to my teenage self. i am speaking to my middle school self. i am speaking to my child self. i am speaking of the women that came before me. they were not granted all of the gentleness, love, patience, tenderness, compassion and empathy that they deserved, so i will give them that. below are just a few of the affirmations that i tell myself every morning. these are the thoughts that i choose to carry. these are the thoughts that save me. these are the thoughts that make this lifetime feel lighter.
i am powerful beyond measure.
i am covered by grace, and my mistakes serve purpose rather than shame.
i am protected, loved, and guided.
there is no one else that i rather be.
i am beautiful.
i honor my own intuition.
i release the fear of being seen.
my potential is limitless.
i am a safe space for myself and others.
i define myself.
i forgive myself for not knowing what i know now.
i forgive myself for all the times that i knew better but didn’t do better.
i am valuable. i am important. from me, many good things will come.
i am kind to myself and others.
i am deserving of love, peace, wealth, happiness, and positive experiences.
i choose healing rather than being unwell in any aspect.
faith is a creative writer from the south side of chicago. her style of writing can be loosely defined as poetic prose and is centered around healing, the mother wound, and the many layers to Black womanhood.
BY FAITH
(she/her)
IG — @somuie
