removing the lens: moments of self-betrayal and living more boldly in my truth – faith
there are days that i forget that the only gaze that i should cater to is my own. but most days, i am hyper aware of my own brilliance. of my own light. of my own beauty. of the God within me. of my own power to make my life whatever i want it to be.
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we live in a constant state of disconnection. from ourselves. from others. from the truths that are core parts of self. from the truths that are not yet discovered. some of it is from how we were raised. some of it is a trauma reaction. some of it is intentional because it is easier being disconnected than living in our truth. or easier than taking the sometimes painful journey of finding our truth.
i grew up christian. apostolic pentecostal to be exact. think ankle length denim skirts. think no earrings. think closed toe shoes. think church every sunday (all day), tuesday night (bible study), friday night (have no idea what that service was called), and sometimes on saturday. forming an identity is difficult when you were given one. all you know is what you were born into and what was around you. what do you do when everything outside of what is handed to you is a sin? is deadly? is a death sentence for your soul? what do you do when the very act of life on your own terms is seen as anti-God?
self-betrayal came naturally to me. everyone and everything else mattered more than me. i lived in the shadows of my mother’s emotions. i lived at the feet of God. i lived in the hands of my father’s expectations. there was no self. only others.
there's a quote about how healing isn't linear and i feel as though neither is growth. there are days that i forget that the only gaze that i should cater to is my own. but most days, i am hyper aware of my own brilliance. of my own light. of my own beauty. of the God within me. of my own power to make my life whatever i want it to be.
there's a scripture where essentially God is asked how should He be introduced and who was He. there are numerous translations of His response from the original Hebrew phrase which includes, “I am who I am.” “I will become what I choose to become.” “I will be what I will be.” “I create what(ever) I create.” “I am the Existing One.” “I am because I am.” i have adopted the same introduction and identity for myself. I am that I am. self betrayal looks a lot different now that I allow myself to exist without the pressure of definition. now, self betrayal is being aware of my truth/s and actively and consciously going against it. it's allowing others to assign definition to me and embodying what they define me as.
self betrayal looks like saying yes to relationships with no boundaries and that exists on everyone’s terms but my own. what did i gain? company. love. intimacy. why was i scared to speak up? i didn’t want to lose the person. i didn’t want to be alone. what was the consequence of pretending that i had no needs? i lost the person. i was alone.
self betrayal looked like staying in a school program and keeping a job that i despised. what was i scared of? failure. being financially unstable. what was the reward of staying? the idea of success. the idea of security. what was the consequence of self-betrayal? failure in school because i could not manage work, school, and the overwhelming emotions that came with spending so much time doing stuff that i hated. quitting my job because it was pushing me towards a breakdown. self betrayal came at the cost of my mind and physical health.
something about self betrayal always brought me back to where i started except with more baggage. even in what one may consider less serious instances, self-betrayal reared its head. spending the money that i knew that i needed to save. choosing to have pizza for dinner while knowing that i’m lactose intolerant. unblocking the person that i knew that i needed to keep blocked. maintaining friendships that i have outgrown. going back to an unhealthy romantic relationship. self-betrayal happens in the smallest of instances. it happens everytime that i go back on a promise or commitment that i made to self. it happens everytime that i ignore my intuition.
when i choose to let go of self-betrayal, i’m choosing to center myself. i’m in a space where i view myself in a softer light. where i recognize that i am an ever changing human being. that i am not stone but water. that my truths are allowed to change. that yesterday’s self-betrayal may be next week’s truth. that sometimes those moments of self-betrayal may show me that there needs to be an alteration in my life of some sort. that alteration can look like a boundary
choosing myself means loving myself. looking in the mirror and deciding to love the girl staring back at me the most. to love her fiercely and loudly. realizing that i deserve the best of the best, and that goes beyond materialistic items. it’s the way that i take care of myself. it’s what i intentionally consume through all my senses.
living in my truth is about having a constant conversation with self. what am i feeling? how can i honor those feelings? what boundaries need to be set in place and what do those boundaries look like? who am I and how do i honor who i am in my everyday life? how am i showing up for myself? what are my values? what am i able to compromise on? what are non-negotiables in my life? living in my truth is honesty. is transparency. is showing up. is acceptance and loving myself regardless.
faith is a creative writer from the south side of chicago. her style of writing can be loosely defined as poetic prose and is centered around healing, the mother wound, and the many layers to black womanhood.
BY FAITH (she/her)
IG — @somuie
