the body as a portal — kristen jeré
“the obsidian, thick and heavy called out to me–its’ black sheen like a portal to another space. I quietly waited…then i splurged $200 on the my first sex toy, that seemed to promise so much more than that.”
via @unsplash.
the night the lights were cut off in my studio apartment, me and my lover had planned for him to come over for the first time. after weeks of only spending the night at his place, a convenience for him and a nice getaway from my own space for me, he was going to spend the night at mine. on the checkered cover of my couch, i brainstormed potential ideas as i dealt with the fall out of not paying my electric bill for months. having shifted from cafe job to cafe job, all underpaid and overworked, putting the bill off for one month at first, then another, and another felt like a decision that would provide me grace, at least for a bit. staring at the 500 plus overdue amount on my brightly lit phone screen, i decided to pay the amount in full. fuck, it. i need the lights on, i thought. within the hour, the lights came back on and my petite space was once again awash with its yellow hue.
when my lover arrived, drunk and predictably late, i was elated, yet nervous. my own space was much smaller compared to his, with its patio, home office, and mysterious upstairs space–the last of the two that i’d never been invited to see. still i mocked confidence as we flicked the switch off and laid down the white duvet of my queen bed, lit overhead by fairy lights. i almost blanked when he asked me if i had a dildo. at the time i only had one sex toy, though to call it that felt like a diminishment. “i do but it’s kind of…different”. i let him know as i slid off my mattress to retrieve the package wrapped in silk. once i sat back down, i pulled out the spherically shaped wand made out of obsidian, a volcanic glass that’s characteristically pitch black in color. he at first blinked, unimpressed, before grabbing the crystal and instructing me to lay down on my back as i let him use the wand on me, the first person other than myself to handle the delicate but fierce instrument.
when i was 20 turning 21, i took a trip to new york on a whim. the day of my birthday, i attended a meditation workshop and sound healing class in brooklyn. i still remember the words of the meditation leader as i stumbled in 30 minutes late after a solo date in a sushi bar, with my first legal shot of tequila. it’s yours, it's yours. hold onto it. after the healing, the class was invited to shop through a glass case in the center of the room which held sex toys made out of a variety of crystal instruments. the obsidian, thick and heavy called out to me–its’ black sheen like a portal to another space. i quietly waited while the creatrix of the custom crystal line, the same person who had led the sound healing, helped another attendee with their purchased. i then, splurged $200 on the my first sex toy, a toy that seemed to promise so much more than that.
washing off the obsidian in my bathroom sink after play, i noticed something particular about the color for the first time. at first just white dots, but upon closer look i noticed ripples of silver dots in formation. i quickly did some online searching and realized that my obsidian crystal was a particular type called silver sheen, known for its’ ability to ground its’ user during seances to contact spirits from other dimensions. the black mirror-like quality of obsidian works like a portal and is often used for a practice called scrying. when looking intently at the stone, the viewer can see their reflection bathed in black. when using the crystal to contact the spirit plane, the user can get closer to the other side while the protection of the black stone keeps their spirit intact with the body.
of course, i couldn’t wait to share what i learned in a quick bathroom google search with my lover, but he remained unimpressed. lying in my bed with him behind me drifting in and out of sleep, i kept researching for more knowledge about the stone i acquired that seemed to be unfolding more to me with time. did you know that obsidian is commonly used in shadow work? he mumbled something in response and was out for the night.
a week later in my thursday evening sculpture class at university, i was talking to my professor and a classmate/friend of mine–a spiritual white girl who had irish ancestry, believed in the fae, and had regular interactions with her deceased father from the spiritual plane. our professor was a latinx shaman and artist, who often saw ghosts in average spaces and helped to guide them to the other side. you know what scrying is, right? she asked me directly. dumbfounded, i said yes in reply, surprised by the synchronicity of hearing about something again that i’d just learned about for the first time about a week ago.
the ways i used obsidian remained mundane over the next few weeks–penetrating myself during masturbation with the cool stone i tried to warm by resting on my belly first before using it. sometimes i would try to think of an affirmation through an pre-orgasm induced haze. i want to be more self-loving. i want my body to be a home. i’m not sure if the mantras stuck but overtime my orgasms changed. instead of the buzzy vibration of a clitoral orgasm, i now experienced a deep pulsation like the base of a drum, steady and grounding. i noticed how these root chakra orgasms continued even during sessions when i wasn’t using the crystal or any other type of penetration. obsidian took a routine act of self pleasure of mine and made it a more intentional one, rooted in my whole body, not just my center of pleasure. my body was a portal to my own erotic awakening on all the things self-pleasure can bring. in a way, the lights had come on.
kristen is a budding herbalist, mentee doula, and a writer on identity, culture and Black womanhood. in her freetime, you can catch her watching something animated while reading one of the many books on her lists.